Beyond Comparison: Desirability, Colorism, and the Work of True Sisterhood
- Stephanie Burton
- 3 days ago
- 6 min read
During a recent conversation with a dear friend, she told me, “You know, people will choose not to like you because they believe you are unworthy of things.” She explained that their dislike is rarely based on evidence of your unworthiness. Instead, it often reflects their own fears about worthiness.
This becomes especially complex when we talk about desirability.
When a woman with a larger body, darker skin, or kinkier hair experiences social success or life milestones before someone who more closely fits conventional, Westernized beauty standards, it can create a confusing and deeply painful tension.
We rarely talk openly about this dynamic, though many of us recognize it, especially within friendships among Black women. It often appears as “preferences” for certain kinds of friends, beginning as early as our school years. Over time, these preferences can become a form of social armor, protecting us from a perception of public disdain, even when their origins are harmful.
I am writing this from a space of personal experience and healing through writing. My healing, and hopefully healing of the collective. This is also meant as a loving call to action: we must save future generations of Black girls and women from the same pitfalls that have affected us.
How Desirability Bias Shows Up in Black Women’s Friendships
Colorism and broader desirability bias have long shaped relationships among Black women. These dynamics influence how we see ourselves, how we see one another, and how we interpret success and belonging. According to Dr. Sarah L. Webb, a leading voice on the topic, colorism is defined as “the social marginalization and systemic oppression of people with darker skin tones and the privileging of people with lighter skin tones.”
In our friendships, sometimes the tension appears when:
certain traits are seen as more socially valuable
one friend’s success goes against expected social order
friendships are shaped by comparison rather than mutual support
unspoken, yet well understood hierarchies influence who is perceived as “more deserving”
These dynamics often begin early, and follow us into adulthood, shaping how we form connections and navigate sisterhood. This conversation builds on themes of competition and insecurity I explored in Chapter 8 of the Sisterhood & Seasons Workbook: Reflections and Practices for the Seasons of Black Women’s Friendships.
The Roots of Colorism: A Historical Legacy That Still Shapes Us
To understand these dynamics, we must examine their roots.
Desirability bias related to colorism and body size in North America can be traced back to the racial caste system that structured the enslavement of Black Africans. Racial hierarchy was deliberately constructed to maintain social order and enforce Black subservience in service of White supremacy.
Within this system, divisions among Black women were intentionally manufactured. The distinction between the light-skinned house girl and the dark-skinned field girl created a hierarchy that cast a long historical shadow over the full potential for unity among Black women.
Although both roles involved profound violence and dehumanization, it was socially understood that lighter-skinned women were granted limited advantages (and I use that term loosely) that darker-skinned women were denied. Darker-skinned women were often reduced to laboring bodies, while lighter-skinned women were sometimes treated as delicate objects—not only by enslavers but within Black communities as well.
These ideas did not disappear with time. They evolved and persisted, shaping social life in spaces such as historically Black colleges and universities and Black Greek-letter organizations. As a member of a Divine 9 organization, I am deeply aware of the ways colorism has influenced our institutions—from the brown paper bag test to other exclusionary practices that existed even in spaces meant to provide belonging. The legacy remains with us.
How Family Messages Shape Our Ideas of Worth
Beyond history, family and cultural messages play a powerful role in shaping how we understand desirability and worth.
Reflecting on my own life, I recognize how subtle messages from family, culture, and society shaped how I viewed myself and other Black women. For me, body-size bias was a major influence, largely because of my Big Mama, my maternal grandmother (by adoption). She placed me on my first diet at eight years old.
My mother consistently affirmed that Black is beautiful. Period. Yet my Big Mama, along with others, was one of my first sources of introducing the idea of desirability hierarchies. While she reminded me that I was “too fat,” other relatives highlighted features they believed compensated for my size: my caramel skin, my “Asian eyes,” and my “Just 4 Me” kiddie permed hair.
Even when I consciously tried to reject these ideas in my friendships, a quiet awareness of society’s scorecard remained. The darker or larger a Black woman was, the less likely she was to be seen as intelligent, attractive, desirable, or deserving of good things.
When Your Success Disrupts the Script
Many of us—myself included—are considered “average” by external standards. I am medically classified as obese, I wear glasses, and I am unapologetically a nerd. Because of these factors, society suggested that I was not supposed to be the first in my friend group to reach major social milestones like marriage or professional success.
Maybe fourth or fifth. But never first.
I have experienced the shady, side-eyed disbelief. The backhanded comments that suggested I was somehow unworthy of happiness or partnership. Not me. Not yet.
When a friend’s identity is rooted in the belief that her perceived desirability guarantees success, your milestone can disrupt her expectations. If she has long been positioned as the center of attention, your success shifts the spotlight. Sometimes she may withdraw or distance herself in an attempt to restore the hierarchy.
The Grief of Conditional Friendship
Authentic friendship cannot thrive within a hierarchy.
When a friend experiences your growth as a threat to her own status, she may be mourning the loss of a power dynamic she believed she held. This withdrawal can feel like emotional abandonment, revealing that the relationship depended on your remaining in a subordinate position.
There is a particular grief in losing a friendship shaped by social hierarchy. The loss often unfolds slowly, as the relationship shifts when you achieve milestones your friend believed were reserved for her. It can be deeply painful to feel penalized for succeeding by someone you expected to be your greatest supporter.
The Psychology Behind Comparison and Withdrawal
These patterns often begin at home, where internalized colorism is either reinforced or challenged. When a mother projects her own insecurities or perceived privileges onto her daughter, she helps shape how that daughter relates to herself and to others.
If a child is praised for “good hair” or lighter skin while others’ features are criticized, the message becomes clear: relationships are competitive spaces where certain traits hold greater value.
Social Comparison Theory explains that people develop self-worth by comparing themselves to others, and families often establish, and reinforce these standards. Research shows that Black mothers’ messages about skin tone and hair texture significantly influence their daughters’ body image and self-esteem.
As Dr. Sarah L. Webb explains, “Mothers of any skin tone and any race can perpetuate colorism among children of any skin tone and any race. The relative complexions of the mom and child—same, similar, or different—often has an impact as well.”
When thinness or lightness is framed as necessary for acceptance or opportunity, success achieved by someone outside those traits may feel like a disruption of the expected order. Some psychologists describe how conventionally attractive daughters may be raised with “glass wings,” praised only as long as they remain superior. When their identity depends on being “better than,” genuine peer relationships, especially with other Black girls or women, become difficult.
Healing Colorism and Rebuilding True Sisterhood
This reality is painful. It saddens me that these messages continue to pass from generation to generation. I hold compassion for all of us navigating these wounds—and I also believe we are capable of healing. Healing begins by recognizing in such situations that a friend’s withdrawal often reflects her own unresolved pain around colorism and desirability, not your worth. A helpful therapeutic approach is externalization, which recognizes colorism and social hierarchy as systemic problems rather than personal failures.
You did nothing wrong by thriving. Read that again.
To dismantle these dynamics, we can:
Question the status quo. Challenge the idea that certain traits create superiority.
Acknowledge and share privilege. If you benefit from conventional beauty standards, use your voice to uplift others.
Reject comparison-based friendships. Authentic sisterhood requires equality.
Use affirming language. Replace colorist or fatphobic jokes or comments with words that honor all forms of Black beauty.
Celebrate marginalized traits. Affirm natural hair, darker skin, larger bodies, etc.
Protecting Future Generations of Black Girls
Healing also requires protecting those who come after us. I don’t want my daughter to grow up internalizing, or projecting, any of these harmful messages. But it takes a village, as we are all influenced beyond that of our immediate family members.
We can:
support youth empowerment efforts, locally and nationally, that affirm worth beyond appearance
Challenge and shut down harmful family conversations about color, size, and desirability
model relationships grounded in mutual respect rather than hierarchy
When these conversations arise, framing systemic bias as the shared challenge can open space for growth, instead of attacking individuals. The work may be uncomfortable, but transformation rarely happens without discomfort.
Reflection: A Space for Your Own Story
If this resonates with you, I invite you to reflect:
How old were you when you first encountered desirability bias related to colorism or body size?
Who introduced these ideas to you?
How have these experiences shaped how you see yourself and others?
May we continue building a sisterhood rooted not in hierarchy, but in healing, truth, and love.
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